Big Changes Start With Small Steps

 

I had a major win last night. I woke up hungry, which means I didnt eat enough during the day for the amount of energy that I expended. Usually when this happens I just get some veggies and water and go back to bed. But veggies are not a significant amount of calories to fuel and replenish my body. Honestly,  that is what I did at first last night. As I got back in bed I was so disappointed in myself. I knew I needed real food to refuel my body. So I did what my nutritionist has been trying to get me to do for years, I got a rice cake with some peanut butter.  It was about 100 calories. Now I know this might not seem like a lot but mentally going over my calories is hard for me.  My goal is to honor my hunger so I dont lose my period again. My body was telling me it needed energy so thats what I gave it. I was so proud of myself I wanted to wake my boyfriend up and celebrate but I didn't think he would be too happy about that. Instead I took a picture as evidence and wrote this post because I was so excited to capture and share this moment. Celebrate each step in the right direction to reinforce  healthy behaviors. I tell myself to take small steps each day and eventually I'll get there. 

Tracking Macros

I used to restrict what I ate during my eating disorder and was only allowed to eat certain things that I felt were healthy. I didn’t have a good relationship with food and didn’t know how to properly nourish my body so I decided to go to a nutritionist for help. She tested my resting metabolic rate so she knew how many calories I needed to eat. From there she prescribed a custom distribution of those calories between protein, carbs and fats. This helped me eat more of a variety of foods. She gave me the reassurance that as long as I was hitting my macros it didn't really matter what foods it was coming from. That being said of course whole, nutrient dense foods are better and what I eat the most of, but tracking allows me to eat fun foods and not feel guilty. It gave me confidence to eat more calories and variety of foods.  For the first time I was able to put chocolate chips in my oatmeal or eat pancakes and not feel guilty because I was hitting my macro targets. I also started eating steak, pork, olive oil, wraps, ribs, pasta, cheese, and more on a regular basis. This was such a big step for me!

Tracking also ensured that I was eating enough calories to fuel my body and that I didn’t slip back into restricting.  This is very important for me because anytime I feel fat or bloated my first instinct is to restrict my food. But with tracking I know I have to reach at least close to those numbers by the end of the day so I can’t restrict my food. Seeing the numbers in my tracker is reassuring to me that I would not gain fat. As you can see from the picture above estimating isn't very accurate and the calories can quickly add up. To me this is why tracking is so important. 

In therapy and in the books I have been reading about recovering from an eating disorder they say that tracking is a good first step to making sure you eat enough but it is not permanent. They want you to think of it like a cast. You need a cast when your bone is broken just like you need to track your food when your eating habits are broken. But when your bone heals you get rid of the cast; the goal is to mend your relationship with food and your eating habits, and to learn to properly fuel your body so that you don’t need to track. This is the part I struggle with. I don’t want to give up tracking. I'm scared that I will overeat and gain weight and if I gain weight I will go back to restricting. 

The compromise that I agreed to with my nutritionist and therapist is to first and foremost listen to my body. As a person who used to restrict and is used to being hungry this is hard sometimes. There are days when I am more hungry than usual; my body is telling me it wants more food for a reason so I need to listen to it. Usually this happens around my cycle. In the past I have just eaten more vegetables to make me feel full, but they really don’t provide the energy my body needs. This would lead to waking up hungry in the middle of the night and eventually I stopped getting my period. Therefore, when I am feeling more hungry than usual I am honoring my hungry and listening to my body; even if that means going over my calories a little.

I have talked about this in other posts as well, but another goal of mine is to eat foods that I fear and to go over my calories on purpose.  I avoid high calorie foods because it takes up so many of my macros for the day and I’m afraid I will end up being hungry all day. My nutritionist is challenging me to eat those foods weekly and if I’m still hungry go over my calories.  She wants me to see that it will not cause me to gain fat.

So although I'm not willing to give up tracking I am trying not to be a perfectionist with it like I used to be. My nutritionist would joking make fun of me because my food logs were spot on every single day. I couldn't understand why everyone's wouldn't be if they wanted to reach their goals, but she is trying to show me that it doesn't have to be perfect in order to be effective. 

Maybe tracking works for you maybe it doesn’t but you have to find a new way to eat when recovering from an eating disorder and this is what has worked for me.

Break the Food Rules

Part of recovering from an eating disorder is getting rid of food rules and being comfortable eating all types of foods. I have to remind myself that there are no "good" or "bad" foods. Food is simply fuel for your body and some types of food provide more calories or fuel than others.

At the height of my eating disorder during high school I would limit the number of things I ate per day and I only allowed myself to eat certain things that in my mind were healthy. When I went to college I identified so well with bodybuilding because it reinforced restrictive eating, eating only healthy foods, and working out daily. When I was competing I was always told I had to "eat clean" and do fasted cardio to get lean and it became one of my rules. 

If you know me you know that I am an all or nothing type of person; I don’t do anything half way. I religiously adhered to my food rules for years and took pride in never breaking them. I wouldn't even break them to have a piece of cake on my birthday. I have heard a million times, "I wish I could be like you" or "you have so much will power". What those people don’t realize is that when you have an eating disorder it’s actually easier for me to say no to what I consider unhealthy foods than to eat them. 

To overcome these rules I am challenging myself to eat foods that I feel are off limit, unhealthy, or bad. Some examples of foods that I have been challenging myself with include pizza, desserts, french fries, and bread. I have to admit this takes some self convincing and reassurance but I am always proud of myself and feel better when I overcome this fear.

Because of my food rules being in a social situation with food present gives me anxiety. I don't know what I am going to be able to eat and think about it for days ahead of time. If there is nothing available that I feel comfortable eating will people judge me for not eating? If I am comfortable with the people present I just bring my own food. Bringing food everywhere I went became my normal and no one questioned it after a while, but it is not normal to have anxiety around food and bring Tupperware of chicken and rice everywhere you go.

Being obsessed with health, eating 'clean', exercise, and wellness is a disorder called orthorexia. If you have an eating disorder you need to learn to eat a balanced diet, including all of the foods you fear. That doesn't mean eat a dozen donuts in one sitting or a whole pizza.  It just means that if you are at a birthday party you can have cake and ice cream without feeling guilty. Or if you are craving something you can have some without feeling guilty or doing extra exercise to burn off the calories. 

It's important to challenge yourself often in order to see that nothing bad is going to happen.  I am challenging myself weekly to eat a food I’m uncomfortable with or go over my calories.  It is scary but well worth it. You are in control of your fears which means you can overcome them!

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea

with the cramps, bloating, increased appetite, and emotional moments I have never been more thankful to get my period. I first lost my period when I was 17. I had an eating disorder and was over exercising resulting in not getting a period for 2-3 years. When I finally started getting it again I thought that meant I was fat. I had no idea how unhealthy it was to not be getting my period. I was happy to not have the inconvenience, the PMS symptoms and it made me feel skinny. Hypothalamic amenorrhea is, “when a person eating too little compared with the energy they expend. A chronic energy deficit causes the body mechanisms to conserve fuel for critical body processes. Less vital body functions are put on hold. This includes reproduction, which can actually be hazardous to survival- when energy is insufficient, energy and metabolic functions suppress the release of ovarian hormones by the hypothalamus.” Click here for more info. Symptoms include missed period(s) or very light bleeding during menstruation, feeling cold often, depression and anxiety, difficulty sleeping, increased hunger, low energy, and I had almost all of them.

Eventually my period became more regular but I would still miss a few a year. In 2017 I went to a nutritionist and was given a customized macro and exercise prescription. I went from working out 6 days week doing cardio for 45+ minutes plus an hour of lifting to no cardio and only lifting 4 days a week, I was terrified.  In a few months I felt so much better physically and mentally. I had way more energy, time for a social life, and I looked the best I ever have.  I thought I was over my eating disorder and body image issues, boy was I wrong.

Last year I started doing crossfit and olympic lifting; however, I was stubborn and unwilling to give up the 4 days a week of lifting I was currently doing. Needless to say I was over exercising again and did not increase my calories to account for the additional exercise.  This resulted in losing my period again. I knew something was wrong when I started getting all of these symptoms back so I contacted my nutritionist. I went back to 4 days of lifting and my nutritionist increased my calories in order to get my period back. I was soooo fearful of gaining weight, it was all I thought and talked about. Looking back I don’t know how the people closets to me in my life put up with me, it had to have been annoying. I was annoying myself but I didn’t know how to stop obsessing over my body. It made me feel even guiltier because I secretly loved eating more. For once I wasn’t hungry all day or waking up starving at night. I got my period back within a month of increasing my calories but I had to keep this up for a while to ensure that my body was fully recovered,  This resulted in gaining 3lb of fat.

I was upset, I felt disgusting, my clothes felt tight and uncomfortable.  All I could think about was the 3lb of fat and how tight my clothes felt. I was also worried about what people thought of me. I have always been the fit, athletic, in shape girl and I felt like I wasn’t anymore. I didn’t feel attractive or sexy and was embarrassed for my boyfriend to see me. This was a HUGE learning experience for me. I had to go through this to see how bad my relationship with food and body image still was.

I started therapy as a result and had to learn how to find happiness in something other than my body image.  I learned so much about myself in therapy and why I developed an eating disorder in the first place.  Learning how and why this all started helps me in my recovery process now. I still have a long way to go with body image issues, confidence, and self esteem but knowledge is power. I plan to use that knowledge and overcome every factor that contributed to me developing an eating disorder.

Some things I am currently doing are identifying my emotions. Anytime I felt stressed or out of my comfort zone I immediately felt "fat". Fat is not a feeling. I was covering my true feelings with my body image issues, food restrictions and obsessive exercise.  Now I am able to take a step back when I feel "fat" and ask myself why do I feel this way? What is really going on? Logically I know that I didn’t gain fat since the previous day so I calm down and try to identify the emotion I am feeling. This has been life changing for me. I don’t ruin perfectly good days and get upset because I "feel fat". I learned that I can be happy even with the 3lb of fat I put on, and that is true strength and accomplishment. I constantly remind myself that what I am doing is for my health, is just temporary, and I try to live in the moment. Learning how to be happy when life is hard changed my whole outlook on recovery my period.

Controlling Your Emotions

                                     

In the middle of my bike ride today it started pouring down rain. I knew i had two choices, be grumpy that i was soaking wet and let it ruin my ride, or laugh and embrace it. I chose the later. I enjoyed the rest of my bike ride and was thankful for the rain cooling me off on a hot day.

This lesson can be applied to everything in life. We can't control a lot of things in our lives, especially with everything going on right now. But we can control how we respond and react to the situations that we find ourselves in. I have found that looking for the positive, even when it its hard is the most beneficial thing to do. By getting upset you're only hurting yourself and possibly making the situation worse. That is why I called this blog you are in control. It reminds me that I have a choice in how I feel about the situations, struggles and challenges that I face every day. If I want to be happy I just have to choose to do so. 

This can be applied to recovery from an eating disorder.  You might not be happy with where you are right now in your recovery process, but you need to be able to find happiness in the journey. It isn’t going to be easy, you are still going to have bad days, I know I do. But life will be so much more enjoyable if you focus on all of the positives and stop obsessing over food and working out. I know my family enjoys spending time with me more now that I'm not constantly talking about food and working out. With less of those obsessive thoughts running through my mind 24/7 I can actually enjoy the moment and be part of it instead of keeping to myself and worrying.

If I'm having negative thoughts I find it helpful to write in my journal, talk back to my eating disorder with my "healthy self", or talk to someone else. What helps you get rid of negative thoughts?

Smash the Scale

 Your weight is the force with which your body is attracted to the earth (dictionary.com). It does not make you pretty, sexy, nice, funny, a good person etc. So why do so many of us judge ourselves based on our weight? Probably because society tells us that to be pretty and accepted you have to look a certain way, especially women. This pressure has caused many people to develop an eating disorder.

Many people with an eating disorder weigh themselves multiple times a day and the result dictates their mood. The problem is weight can fluctuate 3-5 pounds or more daily depending on the person. These fluctuations can be caused by water retention,  what you ate the previous day, your work out, stress, sleep, bowel movements and your menstrual cycle to name a few.  The scale doesn't only account for fat gain/ loss. Therefore, you can’t rely on it to tell you if you gained only fat when all of these other variables are in the mix.

Weighing yourself obsessively is definitely an eating disorder behavior. It is not benefiting you in any way. I know it feels scary not to weigh yourself. It feels like if you don’t know what you weigh you could end up gaining weight uncontrollably. There is so much more to you than the number on the scale.

I used to weigh myself daily, always hoping to see the number go down. I would feel proud and a sense of accomplishment when it did. Weighing yourself reinforces the eating disorder mindset so you have to stop doing it if you want to get better. I never weigh myself anymore. Instead I measure my progress based on how much I can lift in the gym. This is much more reliable and objective. Either I can move the weight or I can’t.  It doesn’t fluctuate based on a bunch of other factors like weight does. Finding something else to focus on helped me get over obsessively weighing myself.

Something else to consider is muscle weighs more than fat. But keep in mind, muscle also burns more calories than fat.  Since I weight train weighing myself is not an accurate measure of losing or gaining fat, I could just be gaining muscle or I could be losing fat and gaining muscle at the same time. If you weight train, and I hope you do, you need to take this into considerations as well. The more muscle you have the more calories you burn at rest. This is why weight training needs to be prioritized over cardio. And don't worry, you aren't going to get bulky or look like a bodybuilder.

Another objective measurement is body fat percentage.  To get an accurate reading you need to get a Dexa scan or use a Bodpod. Hand held devices, caliper tests and online calculators are not accurate. Getting a Dexa scan really helped me see that even though I might "feel fat" nothing about my body composition has changed. These tests cost money but your health is well worth it and this could be a good temporary alternative until you are more comfortable not weighing yourself. My nutritionist does this test for me and helps remind me what a healthy body fat percentage is for women. 

Look at the women in the picture, they all weigh the same yet they all look very different.  This is exactly why you shouldn’t trust the scale. Setting a goal weight isn't realistic because you don't know what you will look like at that weight. You might think that you will be happy once you weigh a certain number, but I promise you that is not the case. If you are relying in body image to bring you happiness it isn’t going to happen; you will always find something to be unhappy about. Happiness should come from meaningful relationships, social events, hobbies etc.

I hope this post encouraged you to smash your scale. Don’t let a number define you, you are so much more than that. Post a picture of your smashed scale or tell me your experience with this topic.

Then vs. Now

Ten years can make a big difference. The picture on the left is me at the worst point of my eating disorder, I weighed 105 pounds. I was obsessively working out for hours a day and really restricting my calories. Luckily my parents got me the help that I needed and I got back to a healthy body weight.

The picture on the right is a recent picture, I weigh 135 pounds. No one would ever guess that I am recovering from an eating disorder based on this picture because I am a healthy body weight. I might have recovered physically, but I haven't recovered mentally. I am working to free myself of eating disorder thoughts and behaviors.  In this blog I will tell you some strategies that have helped me and continue to share my story.