Tracking Macros

I used to restrict what I ate during my eating disorder and was only allowed to eat certain things that I felt were healthy. I didn’t have a good relationship with food and didn’t know how to properly nourish my body so I decided to go to a nutritionist for help. She tested my resting metabolic rate so she knew how many calories I needed to eat. From there she prescribed a custom distribution of those calories between protein, carbs and fats. This helped me eat more of a variety of foods. She gave me the reassurance that as long as I was hitting my macros it didn't really matter what foods it was coming from. That being said of course whole, nutrient dense foods are better and what I eat the most of, but tracking allows me to eat fun foods and not feel guilty. It gave me confidence to eat more calories and variety of foods.  For the first time I was able to put chocolate chips in my oatmeal or eat pancakes and not feel guilty because I was hitting my macro targets. I also started eating steak, pork, olive oil, wraps, ribs, pasta, cheese, and more on a regular basis. This was such a big step for me!

Tracking also ensured that I was eating enough calories to fuel my body and that I didn’t slip back into restricting.  This is very important for me because anytime I feel fat or bloated my first instinct is to restrict my food. But with tracking I know I have to reach at least close to those numbers by the end of the day so I can’t restrict my food. Seeing the numbers in my tracker is reassuring to me that I would not gain fat. As you can see from the picture above estimating isn't very accurate and the calories can quickly add up. To me this is why tracking is so important. 

In therapy and in the books I have been reading about recovering from an eating disorder they say that tracking is a good first step to making sure you eat enough but it is not permanent. They want you to think of it like a cast. You need a cast when your bone is broken just like you need to track your food when your eating habits are broken. But when your bone heals you get rid of the cast; the goal is to mend your relationship with food and your eating habits, and to learn to properly fuel your body so that you don’t need to track. This is the part I struggle with. I don’t want to give up tracking. I'm scared that I will overeat and gain weight and if I gain weight I will go back to restricting. 

The compromise that I agreed to with my nutritionist and therapist is to first and foremost listen to my body. As a person who used to restrict and is used to being hungry this is hard sometimes. There are days when I am more hungry than usual; my body is telling me it wants more food for a reason so I need to listen to it. Usually this happens around my cycle. In the past I have just eaten more vegetables to make me feel full, but they really don’t provide the energy my body needs. This would lead to waking up hungry in the middle of the night and eventually I stopped getting my period. Therefore, when I am feeling more hungry than usual I am honoring my hungry and listening to my body; even if that means going over my calories a little.

I have talked about this in other posts as well, but another goal of mine is to eat foods that I fear and to go over my calories on purpose.  I avoid high calorie foods because it takes up so many of my macros for the day and I’m afraid I will end up being hungry all day. My nutritionist is challenging me to eat those foods weekly and if I’m still hungry go over my calories.  She wants me to see that it will not cause me to gain fat.

So although I'm not willing to give up tracking I am trying not to be a perfectionist with it like I used to be. My nutritionist would joking make fun of me because my food logs were spot on every single day. I couldn't understand why everyone's wouldn't be if they wanted to reach their goals, but she is trying to show me that it doesn't have to be perfect in order to be effective. 

Maybe tracking works for you maybe it doesn’t but you have to find a new way to eat when recovering from an eating disorder and this is what has worked for me.